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Another year has passed us by. They say time heals all, but I think in reality it just dulls the pain a little.
I constantly find myself in different stages of grieving. I know there are five of them, but I think if you ask anyone, they?ll say they bounce back and forth throughout randomly experiencing each one. The stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Well, yes, I can safely say I?ve hit them all several times and I continue to do so throughout the year. It feels like I spent the first year just waiting for Nate to come home. I can still picture everything about him so clearly that I don?t always believe he is gone. One day I will conquer all of these stages, but I?m not sure when that time will come.
Almost exactly a month ago I started the grieving process all over again with my husband. We lost his father after suffering from pneumonia. While I am not in the denial stage of his passing, I am definitely in a depression stage as things happen daily that my husband and I would love to pick up the phone and tell him about. We use to fight over who could call him first and share some silly story about the kids. And he would laugh as if he was right here watching it happen with us. Such genuine excitement is rare, and you always felt important when you were with him.
In fact, if it were not for him, my husband and I would not be together today. When we were dating my husband wanted to call it quits. He said I followed him around like a puppy dog! His dad said, "Just invite her over, get to know her a little. She?s leaving for college soon, maybe she?ll go down a different path."
I?m not sure if he foresaw the outcome of our marriage and two little grandchildren or if he truly thought I would leave his son alone and move on to someone else! Either way, he never made me feel unimportant or unaccepted and I appreciated that. We always loved his conversations that might have had a little hint of advice in them, but you could never tell. He let you find your own way and was thrilled at your accomplishments. I must confess there was one piece of advice of his I turned down: he wanted us to name our son Joey. I don?t know where that came from. Maybe he was a huge fan of Friends?!
His gestures of love were small but so significant. He found out Bodie?s new favorite treat was starburst and magically it would be in the candy jar when we visited! He would prepare a meal on a weekend if he suspected we might visit and was so proud of what he could make! He spent countless hours with Brian sharing gardening advice and tales of the ?upnorth? that will be retold again and again in our family.
With his death, I felt like I was suddenly thrown back into a world of fresh reminders of the loss of Nate. This time it was me who wasn?t strong enough to pick out a casket. I suspect every one of us has had these feelings at some point. I would like to say that since I knew the pain of losing someone I was a great comforter, but in reality, I wasn?t. Mainly because at this point I am still working on comforting myself. I do feel it has made me a little more empathetic, I know that I can never understand that pain until I?ve experienced it. I only know what it feels like to lose a brother, not a father.
My husband says every loss is tough. And he is right. But every loss has also taught me something. My father-in-law?s gentle temperament has taught me patience with my little ones. He showed my husband and I a calm sense of what?s important and to enjoy what we have. His quiet wisdom reminds me at times how to handle problems of my own. And more importantly how to weather out a storm because the answers are usually there in the morning when the sun shines again.
My brother has taught me some big life lessons too. He has made me braver. He has made me see the strength inside myself that I never thought was there and pushed me to show it to other people. Nate has given me confidence to try things I never have before and know whether I fail or not, it was more important that I got out of my shell.
Both men had a huge impact in my life and it is no surprise that they left me during the same season of the year; the spring. It is a time of new growth and a promise of life. I guess that is their legacy to me. They taught me things I didn?t even know I needed to learn and they gave me a fresh start. My father-in-law taught me to slow down, enjoy life and take care of what?s important. My brother pushed me to use my skills, be brave and ?put myself out there.? Whether they were here for 77 years or 21 years, their impact on my life is tremendous. Now it is time to use what they?ve taught me and focus on what really matters before my journey here on earth is over.
Don't forget me, but don't dwell on me.
Carry me with you always, but don't stumble over me
If I have taught you anything, use it,
Then improve upon it.
You have your life to live, so get it done.
Do it well and remember we will see each other again.
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Oh, Valentine?s day ~ the day for sweethearts and love. I?m writing this month?s email a little early because as I was driving into work today I was thinking about Valentine?s day and the fact that I got my husband nothing, zero, zilch, nada. Course, he didn?t get me anything either, so I think it?s probably a wash.
I am part of a grieving board group of ladies and one of them commented that Valentine?s should be a holiday of more than just love for your husband or significant other, it should be a day to remember all those we love. Those who are here with us and those who are gone from our lives. As I was thinking about that comment, I remembered the last Valentine?s with Nate. Normally it would not be a big deal, but that day was the last time I saw my brother alive and well. My sister had a playoff hockey game and we all came home to watch it.
Before that game, Nate and I had our last conversation. Nothing profound. He was mad at his girlfriend and I was upset with my husband. What those fights were about I don?t remember. But I do know Nate wanted to give his girlfriend a swift kick in the rear for a Valentine?s present and I nodded with him as I think my feelings were the same regarding my husband! I won?t forget the laughter we shared as we compared our similar life experiences that day.
Later that night at the game I remember thinking to myself: our whole family is here. As many of you know, that doesn?t happen very often when kids grow and go their separate ways. Sometimes it?s almost impossible to get everyone together at the same time. As I looked up at my brothers, they were taking turns holding my son while he slept...just like I had held them so many years ago. That picture will never leave my memory.
I believe we all have moments like this in life. I never thought about the day my brothers would be who my children looked up to. Just like they had leaned on me when they were growing up, now it was reversed.
That day didn?t seem special. And if I would have known that two weeks later it would all be gone, I would have enjoyed it more. But that?s how life goes. Most things are never appreciated until they are gone.
So today, I think my friend is right. Valentine?s day isn?t just a day to tell my husband I love him, but a day to say to my family and friends, I love you and thanks for your support. I wouldn?t be pursuing this writing if it wasn?t for your encouragement. And I wouldn?t be able to travel this long journey without your help.
I?m pretty sure my brother and sister feel the same. I might not hear the words out of their mouths, but my sister never passes up a chance to babysit my kids for FREE and my brother let?s my daughter jump all over him and doesn?t complain. A day of love should be just that: a day to celebrate our love for our family and friends, not just a significant other.(well, at least that?s what I?m telling my husband since all he got for Valentine?s Day was Chinese food for supper!)
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Well, all the preaching has finally come back to bite me in the butt. And I thought all of you who read these monthly emails might find this ironically funny.
I have spent months writing and saying to anyone who reads these that my family really needs to talk about Nate to heal. We need your help to deal with this loss and silence does not make it go away. Although we may cry at times when we hear some stories, it is good for our souls. The worst feeling was after the funeral when everyone went back to their daily lives and we sat there wondering what just happened to our little world.
So, amid all that preaching on this email soapbox I sit on, I have found myself caught in the same trap. As I watched a co-worker?s world fall apart with the sudden death of his father to a massive heart attack, I waited for his return so I could offer some kind words of sympathy. After all, I had been there. I knew what it was like to lose someone suddenly. I would know what to say to make him feel ok.
Then, I think God laughed at me from Heaven. I thought I had it all together. I was ready to be the sympathetic friend and I was willing to be a shoulder he could lean on.
Then he returned. He talked of being in a daze and not being able to concentrate. He spoke of the large turnout they had and all the flowers they had no idea what to do with. And instead of becoming the empathetic person I knew I could be, I turned into a vegetable. I sat at my desk and relived every moment of Nate?s death from the planning to the wake to the funeral and then the months of confusion I felt afterwards.
It seems that whenever I get this feeling of strength~that I?ve been through it and I can handle it~ I am shoved right back in my place. Not only did I relive Nate, but my husband and I revisited the moments of his mother?s death. We talked about how it affected us then and how it still hits us at different moments in our daily lives.
Another co-worker of mine reminded me that yes, we will always be zapped back to that sad time when someone we care about loses a loved one. She came to Nate?s wake and I remember the look in her eyes when I saw her there that night. It was probably the same look she saw in my eyes last week as I took this journey again. But she is right, after you go through that, you remember what it was that you needed to hear from people and it is your duty to do that for others.
And so, I talked to my co-worker. I probably talked way too fast and he probably only understood half of it. (For those of you who know me, this is very possible!) I may have taken five steps back last week as I relived two years ago, but I also took a few steps forward as I continue to live for today.
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When a loved one dies, we do everything we can to hold on to them. We keep their clothes and check for their smell or listen to tapes to hear their voice. The reminders can be painful or therapeutic, it all depends on the person. Sometimes, it?s all we have and it?s what we need to get through the day.
When my mother-in-law died, she left behind jars of jam. One of which sits in our cupboard, and will stay there until it is no longer necessary. Right now it brings comfort and a little reminder of the woman who loved to cook. Her writing is on the jar along with the date and type of jam. And for that reason, neither my husband nor I are willing to throw it out even though after 6 years, it is probably not edible anymore!
When Nate died, we clung to what we had left. Many of us asked for pieces of his clothing to keep or to wear. My brother inherited his tools, his car and his cell phone. My sister had a ring made with his birthstone in lieu of a class ring. Whatever we had that reminded us of him was cherished. My mom gave me some of his clothes for Brian to wear. And Brian wears them, a lot! Every time I see him wear the red FOX sweatshirt I remember Nate.
Unfortunately, over time, objects tend to break, or deteriorate or just plain fall apart. Along with the use of these things comes the fact that things can not last forever. Sam has lost her ring. Scott got in a car accident. Brian accidentally tore Nate?s leather jacket. The jar of jam is now too old to be used. In time, the "stuff" will have to be replaced. Nothing is meant to last forever.
But while we had them, these objects fulfilled a purpose. They kept us connected to our loved one. It got us through some of our darkest days while we wondered if life would ever be the same again without them here. These "things" lasted until we were strong enough to get through the day, week or year. And then what we learned is that our loved one was more than the objects they left behind. The memories they created while here with us are what matters the most. As much as it may hurt us to pick out a new ring, or replace a car, or buy a new jacket, it is also part of the healing process. Nothing is meant to live forever. And sometimes, when we stop clinging to the things they left behind, we start to see all the little signs of them around us today. I notice how my son acts just like Nate. How my brother talks just like Nate. How my sister loves hockey, just like Nate. These are the things I cling to now. These are the things that matter. And every day, especially at this time of year, we remember that we are blessed to have had a chance to make those memories and to love that person so much, that long after their passing they are still a huge part of our lives.
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